I know what you’re thinking. “What does Arby’s have to do with anime? Is this sponsored?” No it’s not sponsored unless you count hourly wages as sponsorship. I just wanted an excuse to talk about my job. This pattern is meant to be stitched on black aida to match the employees’ shirts. Download the PDF here: Arbys Pattern
Grid Size: 95W x 97H
Design Area: 6.64″ x 6.79″ (93 x 95 stitches)
Help me keep the patterns coming by donating to my Patreon.
Confession time: I work at Arby’s and if you’re not familiar with it, it’s a hyper masculine fast food chain that claims to “have the meats!” I’m not joking. I literally own a work shirt that says “Looking for kale? Epic fail!” and another that says “Will work for bacon” which is actually pretty sweet, but look we sell a lot of meat at Arby’s and while you’re halfway though a sandwich consisting mainly of thick cut pork belly, you might find yourself wondering “What exactly am I eating here?” Like seriously, that pork belly is half fat and half slow painful death. It’s the kind of thing that tastes like heaven going down but sits in your stomach like a brick for the rest of the day.
Right, so you might go to Arby’s and wonder “What should I get?” and then you decided to ask the internet for help, because that always works with no repercussions whatsoever. Now I’m here to tell ya. Let’s assume that you’re getting a combo meal. We’re discounting the salads here because though technically you can get them in a meal, they don’t come with a side so they don’t count. And pro tip #1 if you’re getting a salad with a drink always ask for the salad as a combo meal instead of ordering the two separately. It’ll save you some money, because not every bozo who works at Arby’s knows that salads can come as combos, and what was I saying, oh yeah you were ordering a meal. We’re going to be using the official nutrition guide for this because it’s scientific or something except for when it’s not on the list, then we’re going to just google it, which is less scientific, but whatever. We’re also not doing breakfast, because who the heck goes to Arby’s for breakfast? I’m also allowing substitutions.
So I don’t know you and you don’t know me so I’m going to assume you are one of four types of people. One: the guy who is actively trying to kill himself by ordering the densest possible meal, two: the guy who didn’t realize what he was getting himself into, three: the guy who is trying but this is still a fast food joint and you’re not going to pretend it’s not, and four: the guy who is on a diet but goes to a fast food restaurant anyway because he likes to torture himself with the smell of grease.
Ready? Let’s start with masochist #1. You want so many calories, just all of them, now, yes please. Okay if you insist. The sandwich you want is the Meat Mountain. It’s not normally on the menu, but you can get it all year round and if you come during lent you can get it Denali Style which is just a fancy way of saying it comes with fish. The Meat Mountain comes in at a whopping 1030 calories and just tack on some more if you’re taking the fish too. But you’re not done, we need to make this a combo. For the side you want to upgrade to the loaded curly fries. At 700 calories, this beats even the six piece mozzarella sticks plus the two marinara sauces that come with it, but not by much so you do have that option. As a drink you want to substitute for a large ultimate chocolate shake. Remember, the large now comes with whipped cream and chocolate drizzle but is much smaller than it used to be. At one point the large chocolate came in at 820 calories. Now it’s a tamer beast at 760, putting your meal total at 2490 calories which is your whole day in one glorious lunch hour to brag to your puny coworkers about.
Now on to masochist #2. You’re just buying stuff you like, but the menu has other plans. Not all sandwiches are created equal my friend, but some of them are downright sneaky. You’re looking at that turkey bacon ranch. It says market fresh. It even has some noticeable vegetables in it, but no. Do not be fooled, fair traveler. The turkey bacon ranch may seem tame but it is a beast weighing in at 800 calories. To put that in perspective, the smokehouse brisket is 600 calories and the the half pound roast beef which is literally just a big stack of beef on a bun is still a measly 610. And I’m not saying that the TBR is worse for you than these sandwiches, I’m just saying that it’s not the angel it puts itself out to be. In all fairness, a lot of that is just the bread. You can get the turkey bacon ranch as a wrap to cut it down to 620. And, pro tip #1 you can get any sandwich in a wrap for no extra charge. You can also get sandwiches without bread entirely, just ask for it “in a bowl” or “in a lettuce wrap”. Just try not to do lettuce wraps when we’re busy because there isn’t a button for that yet, it’s just something we yell back to the chicks making your food. Also, for the love of God if you want something special on your sandwich, ask for it before we total your order! There are buttons for those things, but we can’t add it on after you’ve paid, and when it’s busy, people forget things okay? Jesus… right, you need a side, okay. You’re getting the medium curly fries, because when the pimply teenager asks you if you want medium or large, you’re not thinking that small is still an option, and you’re not going to pick small anyways, because you slept in and had nothing but coffee for breakfast and right now your so hangry could eat the face off the crying baby in the line behind of you. And it’s a good thing you skipped breakfast because those fries are 550 calories. Pro tip #2 don’t ask for fresh fries during peak hours. Those fries can’t have been sitting there for more than a few minutes before they’re portioned out. You’re just causing confusion and you’re not going to eat them right away anyway so don’t ask. And you’ll need a drink, but you’re no wuss, you need your caffeine and sugar to get you through the day. That medium Mountain Dew is 280 calories. For some reason, our medium is larger than a normal 16oz bottle of soda. Good thing you put ice in it. Your lunch meal total is 1630, which is probably a bit more than you expected for such a normal order.
And now for masochist #3. You just want fast food okay: some meat, salt, and sugar. You actually have a surprising amount of options under 600 calories. Popular options are the french dip at 540, the crispy chicken at 550, and the beef and cheddar classic at a surprising 450, but since you’re a classy fellow, I’m going to say you got the roast beef gyro for 550 calories because nothing says authentic like a thinly sliced log of beef. And yes I know there was a limited edition traditional gyro, we just ran out of meat half way through the month and no one could order any more, because corporate didn’t expect it to be popular so now you’re stuck with roast beef okay! Now for the side, you’re getting a five piece jalapeno bites at 290 calories. You could get the two piece potato cakes for 250, but you’re not that crazy. They’re hash browns. This is lunch. You are not getting those things. Focus, buy the jalapeno bites an live a happier life. You might want to ditch the broncoberry sauce, because not only does it have the stupidest name this side of Boring, Oregon, it also adds 60 calories for what is basically watered down grape jelly, but you know what, go for it. Being disappointed by broncoberry sauce is an integral part of the jalapeno bites experience, and there are so many other things to be disappointed at that you might as well start here. You’ll also need a soda. Go for a small Pepsi or Dr Pepper at 180 calories, because you deserve to not gag on a diet soda every time you take a sip. I’m not evil here, friends don’t let friends drink Diet Pepsi. You’re total comes to 1080 calories at the first window please. It’s probably not the best, but it’s still satisfying.
And finally we have masochist #4. Why are you even here? Do you even eat? Okay buddy, I don’t want any trouble. You’re getting a sandwich because we have to keep this fair and clean. Not every menu item can be made into a combo meal so no sliders for you. You have a choice between the three piece chicken tenders and the roast beef classic both at 360 calories. I’m going to suggest the classic over the tenders though since those tenders can be all different sizes and though we try to put in one big and one small together with a medium sized one, sometimes the batch has all small or all large and there’s just to many variables, man. Keep it simple. Get a roast beef classic. Pro tip #3 if you regularly buy a beef and cheddar with no red ranch and on a normal bun, just order an Arby melt. It’s the same thing and it’s cheaper. It’s just not on the menu. If you want a roast beef classic with lettuce and tomato. That’s a super roast beef. If you’re wondering if we have a really old sandwich, yes we probably still make them. They just don’t have a number anymore. And, you still need a side don’t you? This one is easy. Swap out the fries for a side salad. It’s the same price and it’s only 70 calories. Get the light Italian dressing with only 20 calories. You may be tempted to get the balsamic vinaigrette, but don’t. Trust me that stuff is 130 calories and I have no idea what they put in it to make it that dense. Just steer clear. And as for the drink… no no you’re not getting a Diet Pepsi! Put that down! Get something that isn’t going to make you regret every decision you have ever made. Get the small unsweet iced tea and mix it with the light lemonade. That’s 10 calories and you’re not going to want to hurt any small children afterwards. That only comes to 460 calories, which might not be enough for lunch to get you through the day, but don’t let me tell you how to live your life. You get whatever the heck you want at Arby’s. I’m not your mom.
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